tell me why

I bought my journal because it was absolutely gorgeous with it's tan background and tropical yet elegant flowers lacing together in vibrant colors. The lines on the papers are a pretty lilac too, and a matching purple ribbon to keep my place. I seriously keep journals in hopes of keeping my memories till I'm older, a place to store my feelings instead of bottling them up inside, and just a damn good place to doodle.

The best writing experience in that journal was just last March. I was lying in my Papa's front yard and a leaf ended up in the pages--I hadn't found until I got home. It's now nestled in there with tape.

I always say that I'm going to do this and that, and then some more. I never get much accomplished. I hate that part of me, the one that strives for everything but never has any motivation, or confidence, or even the yearn to move.

This included writing. I love to write, I love writing about myself, characters in my mind, my friends, just anything. I adore the art. My journal has suffered, and so has my creative aspects on life. Writing was just among a long list of things I want to do; it's about time that I jump back into my old self.

I have been really unhappy for the past six months or so. As several of my friends already know this was due to my past relationship, there were so many things wrong that I don't even want to get into the details. Perhaps one day I'll be able to say everything, because even the best of my friends don't know everything. Maybe it was my fault, maybe it was his. Or both.

"And I need you like a heartbeat. But you know you got a mean streak. Makes me run for cover when you're around. And here's to you and your temper, Yes, I remember what you said last night. And I know that you see what you're doing to me."

Why haven't I blogged about this before? I never felt like I was in the right place until recently. I've clearly moved on, a process that took a few months (even though I was still in that relationship). It was complicated. I hated it. What is love really? I know I was in love, that toe-curling feeling when you're with somone. But I learned that love is not being with someone when they tear you down so far you feel like your in the deep part of the ocean.

However, I've reached the surface of that ocean. (God that was a horrible metaphor.) My best guy friend, who I know there has always been that spark for since we met, we're together now. And I just rambled about the sad parts of my past relationship, and I'm not just yet ready to be completely bubbly and giggly about this one (on the blog, hell ask me in person and I probably won't stop smiling). But, I'm falling pretty damn fast. <3 <3

"I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well. And its too late for you and your white horse."